Opposite Reactions by Boomer Children to Aging Parents, Their Care, Their Estates
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Julie Hall Submitted 2010-02-07 07:26:44 - Number of Times Read: 47 - Word Count: 917
Every day is a different family and different scenarios, yet so many of them seem to have similarities. Working with Boomer children has been educational. For example, you may have a scenario with one parent already passed away, and the only remaining parent is showing signs of illness and fragility. The children are concerned that mom can no longer care for herself, or perhaps they simply want mom in a safe environment surrounded by professionals who can give her the care she requires around the clock.
This is the difficult part: often the parent may disagree with the children's decision, leaving them open for additional worry, especially if the children live far away and cannot keep a careful eye on the situation. This one aspect of the problem can and will cause resentment among the siblings and parents.
On the flip side, there are children who will, at any cost, keep the older parent out of a facility, feeling that they are better off at home in familiar surroundings. This may at times be the correct decision, and at other times cause great strife within a family unit. Signs of dementia, repeated falls in the home, and other persistent troubles may all be signs that a professional assessment is needed for your loved one.
The same competing opinions appear when a loved one dies and the estate is left in our hands to be accurately and appropriately evaluated and divided. I have discovered in my work that the Boomer generation is actually two generations in one. They break down into older and younger Boomers. The older Boomers are generally more sensitive to delicate issues regarding both their parents' estates and dealing with the personal property after their parents' death. The older Boomer is also far more sentimental than the younger Boomer.
The older Boomer prefers holding on to many sentimental items within the family home. These items represent memories of the deceased loved one. While these items may not necessarily have financial value, they are held dear because they belonged to mom. The older Boomer will usually take much more of the residential contents, pack them up and take them home, even if the contents remain in boxes or storage.
Having watched this in action, I have often believed guilt may be involved in holding on to these items. All their lives, the older Boomer has heard stories about the mantle clock or the butter churn, and feels guilty letting go of them because mom would not like that decision. On the other hand, they may have learned from their parents not to let anything go. The pattern is then repeated when it comes time for their children to deal with it. Today, the younger children deal with belongings in haste: a yard sale and a dumpster.
Of course, this is not always the case. Some older Boomer children have not wanted much at all, contacting me to sell 99% of the estate. Not everyone wants the china or silver anymore, mostly because we do not entertain anymore and many women prefer not to cook. Silver is considered labor intensive by many who hold down a job and raise children. While they crave a simpler lifestyle, our parents' generation polished the silver with pride.
The Boomer generation has their own accumulations. They have a household filled with stuff and no more space or desire to bring home their parents' belongings. Perhaps, a spouse will not permit anything else to come in to the home, lest it become overcrowded like mom's house. Many Boomers fear they will have an accumulation problem like the previous Depression Era, who rarely disposed of anything.
If we look at the younger Boomer, we will see a more assertive point of view. A quicker response time and "fix the problem now" attitude is normally what I see. Their very busy lifestyles leave them with little time to deal with a great many issues, whether they admit it or not. Though they realize they must address parental health issues and personal property issues, they do not possess the inclination to continue flying back and forth to clear out mom's house.
This goes back to the "sandwich generation" and the multitude of demands placed on the Boomer children to deal with critical issues, often many at once. This would be overwhelming to any person, regardless of their generation, geographical location, age, religion, creed, etc. It is a major issue that will only continue to grow as the number of seniors grows to a staggering figure by the year 2025.
The younger Boomer is usually not as concerned with the home contents as they are the real property, which is slightly easier to deal with than homes bursting with overwhelming accumulations. The majority of these Boomers would rather hire my company to handle all the details and then just send them an invoice. Many of these children find this relieves them of great stress during times of parental illness, grief, and estate settlement.
So what is the answer? While there are many experts, all of whom have their own opinion, suffice it to say that preparation is the key. Making decisions before infirmity or death occurs, distributing possessions while you are still alive, talking with your children/heirs about your wishes, and putting those wishes in written legal form, is paramount. The overwhelming accumulations should be dealt with long before a crisis strikes. This will keep the stress down for all Boomer children who will one day have to deal with these painful experiences.
Hall, known as The Estate Lady, is a professional estate liquidator and certified personal property appraiser. With more than eighteen years experience, she has assisted thousands of individuals in the daunting and often painful process of managing their deceased parents' affairs. Her experience has been sought across the United States and Canada on radio, TV, and newspaper media including Bloomberg News, MSN Money, and the LA Times. http://www.theestatelady.com She has authored a best selling book titled "THE BOOMER BURDEN: How to Deal With Your Parents' Lifetime Accumulation of Stuff", currently available on http://Amazon.com. With increasing numbers of boomers and older adults across the globe, they are all leaving behind a lot more than their children bargained for. THE BOOMER BURDEN will guide loved ones on how to appropriately handle their parent's belongings while keeping one's sanity...and that is priceless. Julie writes a weekly blog which is available at http://estatelady.wordpress.com , called The Estate Lady Speaks.
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